So here we are in beautiful Maine for a week. Jack is still in Philadelphia working at CHOP and Leta is away at camp for the month. We are only three; Lucy, Ava and myself. Time to kick back, sleep late, and have fun. I don’t need to be in “go mode” trying to keep Leta happy, and I don’t have to worry about Leta’s medicine or her potential for getting really sick on vacation. But the reality? We are not having fun. It is not calm or relaxing because Lucy and Ava have NOT stopped fighting since we arrived. All I hear from them is… “Lucy stole my sunglasses,” “that was my seat,” “I found that sea glass first”, “that is my boogie-board,” “I called shot-gun,” “It is my turn on the computer”, “I’m talking to mom now,… No, I’m talking to mom now” as they struggle to get primacy on our beach walk. …the nonsense just goes on and on and on ad nauseum.
“Enough!” I scream for the 100th time, but yelling does not stop them. Then last night, the girls got so wound up over whose turn it was with the Kindle, that they actually ended up in a full blown hair pulling , knee kicking cat fight. It was either time to call Nanny 911 or figure out what I was doing wrong. With Leta away, instead of things being easier, the girls had managed to fill the calm of Leta’s absence with unbelievable chaos. “Why? Why? Why?” I asked myself.
And at 3am with my insomnia in full swing… The “Ah-hah!” answer dawned on me.
When Leta is around, the girl’s needs always take a back seat to her more immediate needs, and so, the trivial minutia of the day becomes irrelevant. There are no fights about clothes, or food and I don’t hear one hundred times that “It isn’t fair that…” or “she stole my shirt” or “she got the better seat,” or my favorite random scream for “MOMMMMMMMM!” the minute I leave the room. I realize that Leta reinforces this good behavior because her immediate medical and physical needs always trump the other kids crying wolf. My kids know this when she is around and don’t even test it. They already know from experience that not only will I ignore their trivial fights, I will give them my “are you serious?” glare and simply respond, “Too bad, life’s not fair” and walk away to return my focus to Leta.
But in Leta’s absence this week, I have parented my girls differently. I have indulged in their silly bickering and instead of parenting them with the glare and the “oh well, life’s not fair” approach, I somehow, unconsciously, coddled, arbritated, bribed and eventually found solutions to their problems of the minute. Only to be discouraged that their silly fights escalated.
When Leta is with us, all our priorities shift. Her medical care and her needs always come first. And in so doing, Leta not only helps me but helps my kids focus on what is really important. The petty small stuff is magically disregarded.
My girls will be returning from a sailing class shortly. Hopefully, after a fun afternoon, they will appreciate how lucky they are to be in beautiful Maine. But if they don’t and they come home with trivial complaints about the cold water, the bugs, or that one didn’t wait for the other to bike home…..then I am now re-armed with my glare and my “oh well” attitude. No more indulging Lucy and Ava. After 16 years raising Leta, I should know better.